Does your life suck? Are you tired of struggling with yourself and feeling like you constantly break your own promises? Welcome – How to revamp your life to fucking awesomeness, but only if you’re willing to sacrifice every minute of free time you have.

1. Stop eating gluten.

(Feel uncomfortable right now? Read on: You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. Your brain currently is aware of the cognition “I eat gluten,” while at the same time being aware of the cognition, “This guy says gluten is bad for me.” Those aren’t consistent with each other – therefore you feel uncomfortable. Therefore, you want to reduce your discomfort. You can reduce your discomfort by changing your attitude to gluten to: “Gluten is bad for me, therefore I will not eat it anymore.” Or you can reduce your discomfort by changing your attitude towards me: “This guy is wrong.” In order to conserve energy and time, your brain will take the shortest path to reducing your discomfort. Which takes more energy – completely changing your attitude towards gluten and figuring out how to go gluten free or believing I’m wrong? Therefore, if your brain works like most human brains do and should, you most likely already think I am wrong and already hate me.)

2. Stop eating vegetable oil. How the fuck do you get pure fat from this? Industrial processing. It’s a whole new chemical that none of your ancestors ever ate and it fucks you up.

3. Stop spending time with fuck boys and dumb hoes. Lol. But seriously, fuck people that suck. You’ve heard it a million times. Next time you’re with someone, ask yourself, “Why do I spend time with this fucking ugly asshole? Is it rewarding because I like his dumbass, or because it makes me feel less lonely?” Alone time is good. You need it. More time to let your brain process shit.

4. Start consuming resistant starch. Info. Don’t feel like reading that shit? I understand, you’re on the internet and you have millions of choices of what to do right now. So most likely, this blog post is not living up to your perceived potential of the how rewarding using your computer should be. Buy this shit and start stirring 2-4 TBSP in water every day and drinking that shit.

5. Get your circadian rhythm right. You need to consistently get 8-12 hours of complete darkness every day. No phone, no lights, black out your fucking windows, the whole deal. And you need to get that time at a consistent time each day.

Why regulating circadian rhythm is important. Why sleep is important. Why you fucking suck.

 

None of your fucking ancestors had their circadian rhythms as fucked up as yours. So stop being a fucking asshole and fix that shit. Wanna be creative, smart, emotionally stable, awesome, but your not? Maybe it’s because you aren’t sleeping, and sleeping right.

6. Meditate. Wanna be awesome but your not meditating? Well your fucking up. Start. Sit for twenty minutes each day in an upright posture, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Boom. I just taught you how the fuck to meditate. Yes it’s that easy. It’s just like most everything else in life, you just fucking do it. No one can teach you how the fuck to use your brain.

7. Stop blocking out your frustration, sadness, confusion, and anxiety by playing stupid games on your smart phone, watching reality TV, or going through all your friend’s Instagrams. Why are you doing it: because it’s really rewarding, or is it simply to block out a negative emotion? From now on, whenever you catch yourself doing mindless bullshit, stop. Meditate or go for a walk and revel in your fucking discomfort. A lot of shit in life fucking blows dick. Sitting there and feeling it will be the only way your brain will be able to process it. Then you will feel better. It will not be comfortable while you do it – but if you don’t, you will never feel fully comfortable. Maybe that’s why you’re such an awkward piece of fucking shit, because you always feel bad and worried about shit but you never let your brain just fucking feel bad and process it.

If you read all this, I fucking love you and would like to give you a hug. If you actually try this, please please contact me I want to know about it. Also, if you do this, I want to be your friend, because uh…. I’m the only person I know that does this shit. Good luck.

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